Someone gave me a tea towel that says "They say God only gives you what you can handle. Apparently God thinks I'm a BadAss..."
Growing up in a small town pumping gas while standing on a Coke crate at my Dad's gas station I learned the value of hard work and going the extra mile. Everyone that pulled up got a free windshield wash. Back then there was no self serve.
There was one bathroom for all 8 of us humans. You might think I'd learned patience from that but no; I learned how to wiggle long enough not to pee my pants. Also, how to manage in a large group without completely losing my mind.
There was a lot of love in that house. There was also a lot of pain.
It's where I first learned it was safer not to tell.
We weren't the type of family to talk about money, sex or how anyone was feeling. Getting food on the table and keeping us all alive took precedent over deep conversations. I don't think it would have even occurred to my parents to tell us what was going on in the background. It was the perfect set up to simply not talk about what was happening, especially outside our home.
Being the second youngest meant at times I was the target of the older one's frustration. Telling just made things worse so most of the time I simply kept what was happening to myself.
Funny-not-funny thing is, once you lie and get away with it, it just seems normal. Certainly better than telling the truth and having to deal with the blow-back.
As I grew up, it felt safer to lie or not tell people the truth about how I felt, what my life was like or what I needed.
I got so good at not telling the truth as a child that by the time I was an adult I had no idea how to tell myself the truth.
Until 10 years ago when I was faced with a series of truths that I just could not ignore. I was a rock star at my job and had landed a spot in a prestigious leadership program. But I also hated that job because of an abusive coworker, was single after yet another failed relationship, deep in debt and drank like a 22 year old sailor on leave. I was also no stranger to several pregnancies and miscarriages. Lying had cost me the chance to bear a child. (You can read more about that HERE.)
Apparently Spirit had been knocking on my door for a while and I hadn't answered. So the door got kicked in.
My doctors found brain lesions - the first signs of alzheimers, a disease that runs in my family. I was headed straight towards an early diagnosis. Brain lesions can be caused by stress and my life was full of it.
Finally, I was listening.
I could no longer afford to lie to myself, to self-medicate and ignore the extreme stress I was experiencing.
The first thing I did was quit my job. That solved the issue of daily abuse, but it also left me without income, with a lot of debt, and with a considerable identity crisis. What was my value if it wasn’t my earning capacity?
My entire self worth was tied up by what I could buy and what I would allow others to buy for me. I was the one picking up the bar tab for ev-er-y-bo-dy.
For years I had been trying to fill a gaping hole in my self-esteem by spending money on clothes, shoes and vacations. Don't get me wrong; I had a lot of fun. The hangovers were a bitch though and it wasn't just from the booze.
My lifestyle led to bankruptcy, which led to no debt, which led to realizing I was way out of integrity.
I was left feeling like I had completely fucked up and was a total loser.
I had no idea what I was going to do next, but I did know three things:
So, while I figured out what I was going to be when I grew up, I dove into my spiritual practice. I finally had the time and it felt like a place I might get some answers. Besides, Spirit didn't just knock that one time. I was not left alone again after that.
I read ALL the books and took ALL the courses and studied ALL the gurus. I took leadership, speaking and business development courses. I became certified as a clinical hypnotherapist (this created huge shifts in my life, but didn’t fill the crater-sized hole in my hurt heart).
As many ah-ha moments as I had through these avenues, all of the info was over there, with them. It wasn’t mine; not my experience, not my journey, not my solutions. Not my truths.
I needed a way to find my own answers, something actionable and aligned with my values that would help me get real results, in real time, in my real life.
Bankruptcy, failed relationships, drinking, brain lesions — they weren’t the problems, they were symptoms of the problem. The problem was me not telling the truth, for years.
The truth was: I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. I had spent so long worrying about what other people thought of me that I had lost myself completely. Years of stuffing down grief and shame from childhood had eaten me alive, from the inside-out. I could barely admit to myself all the trauma I'd experienced let alone actually heal it.
I needed help. Going it alone wasn't working and I've come to realize it never will. Mentors, coaches, spiritual guides; I need a crew of humans. I also need Spirit, all day every day.
That is the truth.
I am the map maker that can help you figure out where you want to go, give you direction when you need it most, and tell you where to look when you can’t find exactly what you’re seeking. My work is a culmination of every hard lesson I've learned, all the trainings and the wisdom from the powerful shifts my clients have experienced.
Telling the truth and using it as your guide isn’t easy. It’s scary as hell. We’re working against the primal brain that says if you really look at why you’re not happy, the truth will be too terrible to survive. (It’s trying to protect us - sweet really, but not helpful.)
The moment we tell the truth, the primal brain loosens its grip.
Finding the truth and telling it to yourself isn’t the end. It doesn’t magically heal everything. But it is the first step in taking back your power, of forging a new creation story of who you are and will be.
It’s the beginning of your story of your own holiness, worth, value, grace and purpose.
And when we live aligned with Truth, that’s when everything changes.
Today, I do work that aligns with my values and fills me up every day. I have a love relationship that is incredibly safe and kind with a partner who I can count on to support my evolution. Most days, I wake up in awe of where I am and where I’m going.
I no longer bend over backwards to make everyone else happy, while staying silently miserable.
And nothing is perfect.
This work isn’t meant to give you the perfect life. This work is to give you tools to be present, clear and grounded, so you don’t miss a moment of joy. And, when grief or pain comes, this work helps you welcome it as an experience, not a reason to suffer, not as a defeat.
That said… remember those brain lesions? Eighteen months later, my neurosurgeon was astonished to learn that they shrunk. She couldn’t explain it.
But I think it’s because I kept showing up in and with my truth over and over again. And there is more healing power in truth than current medicine can fathom.
Want to know more? Follow me on Instagram. My IGTV's are full of truth telling.