For the last couple of days I’ve been sick. Sore throat, as always, was the first sign. Because I believe that illness has a root cause in a disruption or inconsistency in our emotional or energetic wellness, I’ve been contemplating where this started before it manifested physically.
Here’s what I’ve discovered so far:
I’ve been questioning the value of my work a lot in the last while, not only on conscious level but also subconsciously. How do I know that? It shows up in my meditations as fear, resistance, a sense of lack, desperation and anger. There is an inherent part of my personality that lives in constant doubt of my value in the world. It’s something I have carried for a very long time and have done a lot of “work” around the topic. I understand intellectually that it doesn’t actually have to remain inherent, however I also acknowledge it may be something that’s been with me for many of my lifetimes.
As I contemplate the connection between my sore throat and this deeply ingrained self-doubt, I see that there is a part of me that does not want to admit to this out of fear that any current and future humans that may want to be a part of my work will turn away in disgust. The fear that if they see the real me, the not-so-confident me, they’ll run as far as possible out of my world. And they’ll take my friends and family with them. Yes, I can see the insanity of this. I can see how ridiculous it all is and yet there it is, feeling as real as the nose on my face.
In two weeks I will once again lead a group of people on a journey into themselves through meditation as well as opening myself as a portal for Divine energy. I will hold space as each person follows the trail to the inherent wisdom within. As a group, we will elevate consciousness in the world and open pathways to deep and gorgeous remembering of personal value. Each will know themselves as connected and inseparable from Spirit. When I say “each” I include myself in that beautiful mystery.
So how do I get from here, this place of dis-ease, to there?
I surrender. And trust. Again and again and again. It really is so simple and yet at the same time, my greatest lesson; one I am invited to learn over and over. And so today I’ll rest. Tea, warm baths, noodle soup and my bed will be the elixirs for this sore body and leaning into the possibility of what’s coming on April 23rd will be the elixir for my heart.