Vulnerable

no more fucking SECRETS!

April 30, 2015 by Jill Prescott

Yesterday, as I drove out to Langley I felt this huge wave of anger rising in me and knew that what was about to come out of my mouth had to be recorded. I pulled out my phone started a voice memo. This morning, I listened to it again and broke down in tears again. It’s very difficult to listen to and I cry through the entire recording. It went something like this:

FUCK keeping secrets!

FUCK teaching our children to keep secrets. There is nothing but destruction created when we are told “don’t tell” “keep it in the family” “if you tell someone’s gonna get hurt” FUCK THAT! No more secrets. NO MORE SECRETS! Fuck the damage it does and the suppression it creates. And the guilt and the shame. It leaves the person holding the secret bound to guilt and shame. Bound to suffering. Bound to staying small. Bound to feeling broken. Staying silent keeps you in pain. The secrets become blocks in our bodies. Walls are created, keeping us separate from each other. Alone in our pain. As adults we don’t know what to do with our secrets and so we bury them deep in our hearts and bodies but they don’t stay there. Eventually, they come up to haunt us, creating illness, dis-ease and mental illness. They rob us of our joy and peace. And all the time we are passing on this legacy to our children. We teach them how to hold secrets, how to suffer in silence, generation after generation after generation. And the shame continues. And the guilt continues. Fuck keeping secrets! No more secrets. They are robbing you of who you truly are and what you are meant to do in this life.

Take back you innocence.

It is time to stop the secrets. It is time to be afraid and tell anyway. It is time to tell your stories. Share your grief and your pain. Bring that darkness to the light. Bring it to the light so the guilt and shame can be released so that you can let the light in. Tell your secrets. Stop carrying them. They’re breaking you. They’re breaking you! Don’t let them break you anymore! Offer your secrets to the world as a gift so that others know they are not alone. Offer them so that we can break the cycle of silence so that are children do not have to carry our burden. So that are babies are born into innocence and so that innocence comes back to us. Tell your secrets and take away their power so you may heal. Forgive and let love back in. Let love shine from you. Let love be what guides you. No more fucking secrets!

Are you ready to let go of your secrets? Find someone safe to tell them to. Go to the people that love you and share. Call me if you don’t have anyone you feel safe enough to tell your secrets to. I will listen. When you do this, when you open the door these secrets have been locked behind you will begin to heal. Light of truth is like salve for the wounds. You no longer need to carry this load.

With love,

Jill

Trust and Surrender, Again and Again and Again

April 12, 2015 by Jill Prescott

For the last couple of days I’ve been sick. Sore throat, as always, was the first sign. Because I believe that illness has a root cause in a disruption or inconsistency in our emotional or energetic wellness, I’ve been contemplating where this started before it manifested physically.

Here’s what I’ve discovered so far:

I’ve been questioning the value of my work a lot in the last while, not only on conscious level but also subconsciously. How do I know that? It shows up in my meditations as fear, resistance, a sense of lack, desperation and anger. There is an inherent part of my personality that lives in constant doubt of my value in the world. It’s something I have carried for a very long time and have done a lot of “work” around the topic. I understand intellectually that it doesn’t actually have to remain inherent, however I also acknowledge it may be something that’s been with me for many of my lifetimes.

As I contemplate the connection between my sore throat and this deeply ingrained self-doubt, I see that there is a part of me that does not want to admit to this out of fear that any current and future humans that may want to be a part of my work will turn away in disgust. The fear that if they see the real me, the not-so-confident me, they’ll run as far as possible out of my world. And they’ll take my friends and family with them. Yes, I can see the insanity of this. I can see how ridiculous it all is and yet there it is, feeling as real as the nose on my face.

In two weeks I will once again lead a group of people on a journey into themselves through meditation as well as opening myself as a portal for Divine energy. I will hold space as each person follows the trail to the inherent wisdom within. As a group, we will elevate consciousness in the world and open pathways to deep and gorgeous remembering of personal value. Each will know themselves as connected and inseparable from Spirit. When I say “each” I include myself in that beautiful mystery.

So how do I get from here, this place of dis-ease, to there?

I surrender. And trust. Again and again and again. It really is so simple and yet at the same time, my greatest lesson; one I am invited to learn over and over. And so today I’ll rest. Tea, warm baths, noodle soup and my bed will be the elixirs for this sore body and leaning into the possibility of what’s coming on April 23^rd will be the elixir for my heart.

Mikes Visit

December 10, 2013 by Jill Prescott

A couple of weeks ago, my brother came to visit and my life changed

This particular brother (there are 3 more and a sister) has terminal cancer and was coming to see myself and my youngest brother for what was to be our last visit. He’d been on a short road trip with my eldest brother and the plan was a 4 night stay here in Vancouver and then home to New Brunswick.

He and I had, over the years, had our issues. Not surprising in a family of 6 kids, several of whom liked booze and drugs more than themselves. And it was an unsaid rule in our family that you didn’t talk about the past. You just got over it. So I was a bit nervous about spending that much time alone with him.

Although I’d been warned that Mike had lost some weight, I wasn’t prepared for the change that had taken place since I’d seen him last. It was like someone pulled a plug and part of him had drained away, taking several years of his life with it.

We got back to my place and after a short visit, he headed to bed. The trip had definitely worn him out. He got up in the morning coughing and kept coughing until he was sick. When he came out of the bathroom and I expressed concern he said it was normal. It happened every morning. But this morning was different. He was in enough pain to actually sit on my couch crying. I sat behind him with my hands on his back until the pain attack passed. The reality of what was happening hit me in that moment. He was dying. Maybe not today, but soon.

The next morning at 5 am I had to call an ambulance. For the first time since he’d gotten sick he had lost control of his body. He fell in the bathroom and couldn’t get back up and it scared him. Once he was admitted, they did a brain scan and found 2 tumors that were pressing against the part of the brain that controls movement. Hence the difficulty with walking, use of his hands and the nausea. For the next week, the goal was to get him well enough to fly back to NB so that he could die near his daughter. We had a ways to go, as his body was being wracked with pain so fierce it looked like a seizure. And he walked like he was drunk. It was a heartbreaking, scary situation for everyone.

And then amazing things started to happen

He shared with me that he believed everything happens for a reason. He couldn’t figure it out yet, but he just knew there was a reason he was here. We started to talk about what he believed would happen when he died. He told me that although he didn’t know the answer to that question, he did know there was a higher power and deeper meaning than what was known in this life. We talked about connection and energy, spirit and intuition. He told me that he had found peace at one point and wanted that back. Before he left, he and his wife had not been getting along and hadn’t spoken in a while. When he had arrived at my home it was to the point that he felt he never wanted to speak to her or see her again. While in the hospital we talked about how he might heal that, at least to a point of finding peace and he was able to do that. They began to talk and plan. My younger brother came to visit him several times and during those visits they healed years of upset, resentment and anger, leaving love in it’s place.

When his pain attacks would hit, I would put my hands on him and hold him until it passed. It was amazing to me for a couple of reasons. First, that he trusted me enough to allow it to happen and second that I was able to just be with it. No tears or upset. Just hold the space for him to get through it. What a gift.

After a week in hospital, much turmoil about how to get him home, many blessed visits and healing, he was flew back to NB and entered the palliative care unit.

This is what he left me with

Leaving things unsaid or unresolved will steal away any hope you have of a peaceful exit. And there is clearly a higher purpose that guides us. He was right about the idea that there was a reason for him being in that hospital so many miles from home. I believe it was to give all of us a chance to heal and connect as well as to give me the courage to accept the gift of being with another’s pain.

I love you big brother. Because of you, I am forever altered.

As of this posting he rests easy in NB with the love and support of friends and family. He is ready and wanting to move on to what’s waiting for him on the other side and I pray every day that he is carried home on the wings of Angels.

December 17th, 2013 Mike passed away in New Brunswick. There’s a big party happening on the other side.

Dear Jill

November 6, 2013 by Jill Prescott

A shift has been happening in me and I felt a need to hold off posting any more blogs until I was grounded in the direction I was being called to go. You see, over the last couple of years many things have changed in my life and until recently I was still holding on to the barriers and shields I’d put up to protect myself. After much soul searching and connecting with Spirit it has become clear that it is time to put down the shields and break down the barriers. What has come of this is a gift of an even deeper connection with my own heart and the hearts of others. And so this is the first of what will from here forward be raw and vulnerable disclosures. The intention is that you, dear ones, may find the courage and space to give yourselves the same gift.

After watching a video on Soulpancake about talking to your 10 year old self, I found myself moved to tears. For me, this is a clear call to action.

This is what I wrote:

Dear Jill,

Happy 10th birthday. I know that things are rough for you right now. You feel so very alone and confused by what has happened in your life so far. You don’t feel like there is any place for you in this world. For you, love is a foreign concept that isn’t talked about and even though there is love in your life, you do not recognize it. I know you think of yourself as stupid and ugly, and you feel you have no value.

I’m here to tell you that all of that is going to change.

Over the next several years you’ll experience heartbreak so deep that it should destroy you. Your life will be turned upside down so often you’ll eventually find yourself on the other side of the world. You will experience love, pain, loss of faith, sorrow and joy. People will come into your life that will teach you many lessons; some difficult and others profound. And through all of it you will survive, grow, evolve. There will be times that you want to give up and then a voice will come to you. It will whisper so quietly only your soul will hear and you will go on. You will come to a time in your life when love and connection will carry you. You will discover that you are precious. You have a heart so big it is able to love even those that have tried to break it. You’re intelligent in ways that cannot be learned in books or classrooms. And you’re beautiful. Truly.

And so, dear one, celebrate this birthday. Blow out all your candles and dance.

I love you.

Give yourself the gift of writing to your younger self today. And tell me, what is one thing you’d really like that little one inside of you to know?